For Immediate Release
Arizona Realtor® Comes Out Of The Closet
Arizona Realtor come out of the Closet: Most Realtors® have to be politically correct while selling real estate as a career. After 30 years of agonizing anonymity, as of August 10th, 2011 real estate agent John VanTilburg has officially “outed” himself by declaring his allegiance to the Republican Party. As a conservative VanTilburg said that he couldn’t live with himself any longer and the anguish of living a secret life of common sense, supply-side economics and a passion for free enterprise and capitalism was driving him to desperation. The repressed feelings of knowing something was terribly wrong, was killing him and the resulting depression was unbearable. “The meds just wouldn’t cover it up anymore,” VanTilburg said.
After numerous counseling sessions and thousands of dollars spent with liberal support groups such as moveon.org, reading the Huffington Post and watching MSNBC and CNN as his prescribed behavior modification therapy; things reportedly got worse. Part of VanTilburg’s treatment was electro shock therapy. News stories were played about our national debt exceeding $135 trillion dollars while our national revenue from taxes and tariffs were $1.5 trillion; and when his blood pressure began to rise, the therapeutic level of voltage had to be increased. Counselors then reverted back to a simpler form of therapy similar to “four legs good, two legs bad” only they said “Liberal good, Conservative bad”; yet this simple Gestalt therapy wasn’t much help. Then they played sound bites of Jimmy Carter returning from Cuba exclaiming that Cuba was not a communist nation – again when he began to throw up, the voltage was applied, albeit to no avail. VanTilburg was told that the figures of the Soviets murdering 100 million, the Chinese killing 150 million, Cambodia and North Vietnam killing 6 million, and Castro murdering more per capita than Hitler were all done as a necessary vehicle to usher in the peoples governments. He was then forced to hear hours of Michigan’s John Dingle 2010 sound bites saying: “we must control the people”.
A large portion of VanTilburg’s behavioral modification therapy was to dress him in Birkenstocks, force him to watch The View, cease from eating red meat, driving fossil fuel saving vehicles (in front of his conservative acquaintances) and lastly reprogramming his mind with hatred of anyone who didn’t think his way. This was explained as unconditional love for the Democrats and Liberals alike. He was also given daily readings of “Dreams from My Father”, “Quotations from Chairman Mao”, and some of Castro’s pornography. He was told that wealthy people were evil and the wealth needed to be redistributed from the horrible conservatives, who create jobs, to the labor unions, who strong-arm the very people that provide them with their jobs. VanTilburg was indoctrinated with thoughts that, except for the wealth of Al Gore, the Clintons, Obamas, Kerrys, Pelosis, Kennedys, Soros, the Hollywood elite, and the other ruling class Democrats, all other wealthy people were evil.
Just before Michael Moore, Al Sharpton, Reverend Wright and Bill Ayers were to fly into town for their portion of the intervention, VanTilburg unplugged the electrodes, broke out of therapy saying that he could no longer defile his mind with socialist drivel, and went into uncontrollable convulsions. He shouted things like “I’m mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore”, “green sucks” and “the batteries in those cars do more damage to the environment than the gasoline they supposedly save”. VanTilburg was recently seen driving a gas guzzler, listening to Rush Limbaugh and exclaiming that he’s an “outed” Conservative Republican and damn proud of it. Frankly, it’s nice to see him happy for a change. Yes, he understands that being true to his principles will cost him business, but he also believes that those with similar beliefs will seek his excellent real estate services.
If you have decided to do the math and found that your government just asked for a spending increase of an additional $4 trillion in deficit spending; and have come to the conclusion that there is not $4 trillion in the world to loan to this government; maybe you need to be “outed” as well.
If you’d like more information about this topic, a real estate consultation, or to schedule an interview with John VanTilburg, please contact him via e-mail at email@example.com